Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
