I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
