I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
