i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
