there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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