White coat. Heels.
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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