also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
