she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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