i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
