I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
