Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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