I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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