My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
