i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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