Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
