My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
