Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
