but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
