its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
