My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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