Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
