Your mouth is God's brothel.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
