apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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