I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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