it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
