He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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