Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
