Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
