nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
