i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
