do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
