Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
There's even glitter on my cock...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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