Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
