Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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