Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
