We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
