Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
