Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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