we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
