So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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