pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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