my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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