Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize