My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
