This dress was meant to end up on your floor
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
