So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
