My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
