Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
