oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
