Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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