so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Randomize
