if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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