he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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