then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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