i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
