Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
